Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Fear of the unknown or curiosity in its finest

"We were sick!
We were sick at the talk!
So far from where we started,
Too far along to stop!

We were sick!
We were sick at the thought!
We never lose our grip,
And end up sick at the bottom!" - The Thermals, "We were sick"

I know it's been ages since I've posted last, but I'm just going to pretend like it hasn't been months since my last post and try to jump back into it. I write enough at my own accord, so why not share it with you guys, also? Here it goes.

Too often than not I find myself terrified of what seems to be unfamiliar or entirely too new in its kind. We all have our safety nets, and we all cling to what we know far too much. Although, when I look at what it is that I really find safe or familiar, I have to wonder if these so-called safety nets are there to protect me from anything, or if they are there to block me from knowing what I am capable of exploring and finding happiness inside of. 

It is so easy to fall back into old ways, old behaviors, and rituals that provide a false, but satisfying, sense of relief from the chaos of life. But, have you ever stopped to ask yourself what these comfortable vices are really giving you? Is it really all we know? Could these safety nets be trapping us in rather than keeping the bad out?

I think it's important to remember that we hold onto the memories that hurt us the most, rather than those that make us feel loved, worthy, and happy. Try and think back to the last compliment someone gave you. Can you even remember? Now, do the same for the last insult you received and I bet you'll have no problem reciting the pinching words over and over again, like they were thrown at you just now. 

So what is really safe? Pain? Suffering? Being unhealthy and sick? It's taken a lot for me in my recovery to realize that in order to really be healthy, I need to allow myself to replace fear of the unknown with curiosity. Rather than being afraid of eating normally (hell, what's normal anyway...?) and what that would mean for me, maybe I should replace that fear with curiosity. I should be curious as to what it's like to feel nourished, awake, and clear, rather than afraid of stepping outside of my comfort zone of restricting, attempted self-control, and confusion towards anyone who doesn't have a problem doing this. 

Right now, recovery from my ED is scary to me. I'm in a place where I am very ambivalent towards wanting health and stability, and I've found myself buying more "sick time" until I'm ready to make that decision. But, now I'm realizing that yes, changing what I know and have known for the past decade may be the weirdest and most uncomfortable thing in the world, but maybe that's because all I've known in terms of taking care of myself is completely backwards. New doesn't necessarily have to mean bad, especially when it's clear that what you've been doing doesn't work. 

It is true, curiosity did kill the cat. But, wouldn't you rather be that little excited ball of fur than a lazy feline spending half its time asleep, never really knowing what's in store for those who actually choose to wake up and live a little? That's exactly what we're doing when we hide behind what we know and what is safe. It's time to be curious about what we fear. Maybe if we were able to gain a little bit of insight towards the things we fear the most, we'd be able to find the beauty in them, too. It just takes a bit of understanding. How well do you really understand the things you are most afraid of? 

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