I feel like this because sometimes it's like I'm being thrown in a thousand different directions, without choosing where, and I'm no where near as sturdy as I'd like to be. I'm not fragile, yet completely malleable and easy to pull and stretch in multiple directions. I can keep a thousand things on the inside, but like the plastic bag, it can only last so long before things start to fall out all over the place. It's usually one small thing that over-does it.
Feeling out of control really sucks. Some would say that I'm a control freak, some say just a perfectionist, but regardless of what I'd like to call it, I just really hate feeling like I have no say in situations that involve me and have the ability to make me feel a certain way. Although, I can't be the only one that feels this way, right?
I guess not. If I were the only one who felt this way, everyone would be happy all of the time. (Gosh, that would be weird.) But regardless of what it is, how do we succumb to other peoples' influence? How do we get to the point where life feels out of control? How do we let ourselves get hurt by others when they don't share the same love that we feel? As my friend Hillary pointed out to me, "it's about playing the game."
In my opinion, too many people come and go from our lives every day. It's like one of those vicious cycles that happens to everyone, but none of us really know why. People break up, friends have falling-outs, and loved ones will pass away. It's just the way that it is. We can't help, to an extent, who we will lose next. It's just the way life works, in that awesomely weird and confusing way.
After doing a lot of thinking, I've realized that things do come up and hit like a brick wall. It's inevitable. Although, what I've realized is that maybe my fear of change and not being in control of situations is completely irrational. It's too tempting to give into the unhappiness that gets to us when something happens that is less than favorable to our wants and needs, but when all is said and done, is it really the end of the world? My guess is no.
I really need to work on needing to be completely comfortable and in control. I also need to work on allowing more variety in my life, and breaking behavioral habits that just aren't healthy. In a nutshell, I need to be more spontaneous. If I were used to being care free and more easy going, then maybe it wouldn't feel scary enough compared to a car crash when something unexpected comes up. If I didn't do the same thing every day in every week, then maybe plans being derailed wouldn't bother me so much. Maybe, just maybe, this would make the big changes seem a tad bit smaller. I need to play the game.
I need to get control back by giving up some control. By letting things happen, and accepting those things that happen, the ball will be back in my court when things come up. We can't always know what's coming, and we can't always influence or even have any say in things that happen to us. But, if you just give up trying to prepare and plan for every step in your life, things may become a bit easier when they turn out completely opposite of how you expected. We'd feel less like a paper bag drifting every which way. We wouldn't spill our our insides when the smallest thing tips us over the edge. We'd be a little bit more free to be ourselves... wouldn't we?