Thursday, May 19, 2011

Where were you while we were getting high?

So, I've realized that I am a huge procrastinator and I put things off in far too many aspects of my life. Just to think of a few examples, I procrastinate in school, my health, running errands, grocery shopping, doctors appointments, and etc. When I put these things off, I always have this sense and feeling of having plenty of time. Even when there's just enough time for me to get something done, it always feels like there's more than enough of it for me to wait a little bit longer.

I've noticed that I've also been doing this in terms of my recovery. I just get this feeling of having plenty of time to choose whether or not I really want to start making an effort towards moving forward and making real progress. It also makes me think of time that's wasted. I mentioned in my earlier post something about "buying more sick time" and I think that I feel that I need to do this just because I'm so unsure of what I want. In reality, I don't have more than enough time but I have become very good at convincing myself that I do when I feel the need to put off making a big decision.

I used to see myself as being lazy when I procrastinated, but now I'm realizing that it doesn't really have much to do with being lazy, but rather with being extremely indecisive. I really hate making decisions that are not concrete, or black and white. Weighing out the options of a choice often leaves me frustrated and not wanting to decide at all. Even looking at the seemingly simple tasks that I put off all the time, I can see that there are deeper issues behind them all which leads me to avoidance.

In school, I'm often afraid that I will fail or do something incorrectly, therefore I put off even starting it or trying it out because in reality I'm putting off failing. In terms of my health and making and keeping appointments, I'm often afraid of what doctors will tell me (in terms of good and bad news, and changes that they expect me to make) and if I avoid them completely, I won't hear what's wrong with me, I won't have to face the damage I've done over the years, and I won't have to behave as if I actually valued my health. (Still trying to figure out how to do that, btw.) I put off grocery shopping because I'm afraid that it will either a. end up with me failing and not getting anything but safe things, or b. it will lead me to buying practically the whole store and end up binging. Neither of those situations are very likely, yet it still prevents me from taking the chance and getting the shopping done.

I'm not going to go into every decision I make and task I do on a daily basis, but you get the point. I put things off because I don't want to face possible results, even as unlikely as they may seem. But what's the logic behind all of this? It's kind of silly to wait around and put things off until the very last chance you have, just as it's silly to say "I"ll quit smoking cigarettes in a few weeks." If you want to quit eventually, then it means you want to quit. So, what are you waiting for? Why not do it now? Why waste more time hurting yourself when you know you want to stop anyways?

My ED makes me feel like I'm an addict. Sometimes I just feel like I can't give it up. I know that I want to at some point. Hell, there's no way I'd wish to live in that hell for the rest of my life. And, if it really is a "hell" of a lifestyle, then why am I clinging to it?

This brings me back to my earlier post about being afraid of the unknown. When we try to accomplish something, there's no telling whether we'll succeed or fail, but we try anyways. Why? Because we want to succeed, and there's no succeeding without trying. But, without trying there is also no failing. It's safer to put things off and not risk the bad consequences we may encounter. Safer, yes, but satisfying?

I'm afraid of recovery because I don't really know what it looks like. Sure, I've been in a better place in terms of it before, more so than I am now, but I don't know what it would be like to be completely free from it. I know what  being sick is like, and I know it inside and out. I know how it makes me feel, even with the shittiness of it all, it still gives me a high that I can't get from anything else. Sometimes it makes me feel as if I'm on top of the world and in control of it all, but sometimes it makes me feel like I am completely alone. So why am I still so ambivalent?

In reality, I know what I have to do and I could probably write a book about recovering from an ED. It's wanting it that is my issue. It's taking that first step even if I am afraid I'll fail. It's going to the grocery store before I've been out of food for a week and realizing that a binge is not inevitable. It's starting a term paper that I don't really know much about on time, and not getting discouraged because I don't have all of the answers laid out right away. It's going to the doctor when it's clear there is something wrong and realizing that yes, there may be bad news, but it would be worse to ignore. It's taking that leap of faith and trusting everyone who says that you can recover, and you can be free from the private hell of an ED.

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